Lumblog

First of all let me just say fuck you.

I'm so god damn tired lol.

what follows is essentially a report on the last six years of my life being trans and an anti-fascist. it sucked to write and its gonna suck to read. but i needed to get it out so:


I came out in 2016, just ahead of the election, and i knew it was gonna be bad

The first person I ever came out to was a trump supporter. that was how i found out. he told me he had “people like me” in his practice that he “tried to help”

It was a month later I found out he advocated for, and actively personally performed, electro-convulsive “therapy” for his transgender patients. I had known it was going to be bad.

I lost all my friends, slowly, one by one, to outright transphobia of their own, or the tacit or overt approval of such by their friends. I got about six weeks after coming out, before i was entirely not welcome in the space I had been respected in six weeks prior.

The guy who regularly said the N word was still a respected member of the community for his contribution. Contribution, singular.

No big deal, its the internet right? if i dont like one corner, i can go exist in another corner right?

So i left, and went and found “my people” and made friends and started a meme page on facebook and started getting more uncomfortable being called “he” in public, or being deadnamed. But hey, I knew it had been going to be hard.

2017 my partner left me. They said on their way out the door the thing they knew would hurt most. We stayed living together for six months lol. till they saved enough to leave lol

im not gonna pretend our relationship had been perfect, but the straw that broke the camels proverbial back? that they felt like they “weren't allowed to come out” because i was already trans.

Yeah. It didn't make any sense then either.

But hey, it's supposed to be hard right.

this came right around the first time lumb got called a bad actor.

CW RACISM

i'd found a group, i liked them, they were friends, well, most of them. one gal had this really annoying habit of comparing her experiences as a parchment skinned, cis assumed, skinny, attractive trans gal, to the experiences of literally everybody but her, from comparing her experiences of transphobia to assumed experiences of racism, to comparing the medical trauma associated with being fat to the medical trauma associated with being trans. which, like, sure, overlap, and, for others, intersection, but for her, it was just bitching and appropriating the struggles of others and it pissed me off.

Now, I knew it was Gonna Be Hard, but surely, other trans gals, they can, they have to be better right?

i tried talking to her, i genuinely did. i approached it away from public eyes to avoid her embarrassment. i approached it gently, to spare her feelings. i tried to seem reasonable, like what i was asking of her, not to be racist and fatphobic, was not such a big ask.

but i had made one fatal mistake.

i had called her cute

on a selfie, in a discord, weeks ago. so of course now, the way she presented it, i was clearly retaliating against her, calling her a racist publicly, calling her a fatphobe, i was just mad cuz she didnt like my compliment haha

id never said anything publicly, and i didnt need to, she laid it all right out there for me, made up all sorts of things and laid them at my feet, and on the strength of that one screenshot, showing me calling her cute, i was labeled and eventually banned from those spaces.

Yeah. It didn't make any sense then either.

But hey, it was always gonna be so hard RIGHT!?

so now a year into binary trans girl life, ive got no friends, partner left me, but still lives in the next room, and im having issues with my student loans coming through on time because i guess i was the first person to ever change their name in the history of ever? and it messed with their shit lol, but I DIGRESS, but i get to do that because, and i do gotta stress this, fuck you.

so i branch out, i move on over to a wonderful little place called twitter dot com.

i feel like i gotta say at this point. the majority of my social interactions as a disabled person are online. add to that the pain of realizing i'd been being misgendered my whole life, and the pain of that NEVER EVER STOPPING. haha

fuck you.

so twitter, what is this like, 2017 ish at this point? i started my meme page over again, started building community i could feel safe in over again.

CW RAPE:

couple months in, an this cis white pink haired portland gal called a friend of mine out for rape.

she wasn't the victim though, so I started asking around. “believe survivors” is great, but i saw a white cis woman calling out a Black trans woman for something she claimed happened more than a decade ago.

So I dug. and ya know what? i found the victim, and she said, im paraphrasing but along the lines of, “this was a decade ago, my rapist is a different person now, and digging this up all over is traumatic for me”

so i asked the person making the large stink about it. her line was “it doesnt matter if the victim is over it, or if it was ten years ago, this person is bad and should get lost”

so i mean. CW RACISM. is how that seemed to me. she didn't have the consent of the victim to be making that callout post. it wasnt someone she had direct interactions with, and it ended up, functionally being this gal seeming like she was just trying to get Known. so i called it like i saw it. “hey this feels racist”

got called a rape apologist for it. went from surviving on commissions to struggling again in about a week.

eventually i recognized that there was no coming back from that, it didnt matter that i wasnt saying “rape is okay” it got treated that way. so i moved again.

over to mastodon. terrified i wouldn't be able to find community over there quick enough to stave off Getting Fucked Over, and of course, terrified that rape apologism allegation would follow me over. It didnt. and i did tho.

shitposters ruled mastodon lol, i was right at home, found my people, shit rocked. for a few months. well, maybe closer to a year. a bunch of trans ppl had gotten suspended off twitter around the same time, so a ton of folks i knew moved with me. it was honestly, really fucking nice. for a while.

till tumblr banned porn.

when tumblr users migrated en masse to mastodon, that was when my crew found out about otherkin. started making fun.

that shit fest started with me asking, “hey can we please not make fun of otherkin? they didnt do shit, don't deserve this”

this was a group of people who presented themselves as cryptids, fantasy animals, regular animals, no one had a fucking human avi. i legit thought there were other otherkin in that group for so long cuz so many of them openly and without shame called me by the animal i had for an avi.

lol wrong.

somebody came over from tumblr who ID'd as, ugh, i hate even writing this. they were, “markiplier kin” ugh

yes, markiplier the youtuber.

brief aside, from wikipedia, on otherkin

“Otherkin: Otherkin are a subculture of people who identify as not entirely human. Some otherkin believe their identity derives from reincarnation, trans-species dysphoria of the soul, ancestry, or metaphor. Others attribute it to unusual psychology and do not hold spiritual beliefs on the subject.” -Wikipedia

so this guy came on the scene claiming that he identified as markiplier, the youtuber. that particular phenomenon is called “fact kin” and it's.... i mean. im not gonna gatekeep other peoples identities. but that feels. problematic. ID'ing as a living other human. idk.

it didn't and SHOULDNT HAVE MATTERED but this person was SUPER FUCKING RACIST

so of course, the people i ran with, seeing this person as the “first example” of otherkin, ignoring that I'd been a member of their community for a year and, while I'd never really been open about being kin till they started throwing hurtful things around, like, i never did that shit.

but it didnt matter, they saw a otherkin, a problematic otherkin, being racist, and decided that all otherkin must be problematic. seeing others, adults, showing up after, calling themselves “age kin” and ID'ing as minors, really just rammed that home for them.

sidenote: yea, there's a ton of problematic groups that call themselves otherkin. there's pedos and racists and openly nazi otherkin.

this doesn't mean that all otherkin are like that. cant believe that even needs to be said lol

so. i fought them on it. like, of course i did lol. i said sure, these people are problematic, these individuals, but then pointed to the entire multiple instances on mastodon that were almost entirely otherkin.

i pointed to how many otherkin are trans (lol, most of us, HUGE overlap there, in all my time out, i met one cis otherkin. they've transitioned since.) and suggested that to hate otherkin as a whole because of the actions of a few, was pushing right up against transphobia. I didnt call anyone a transphobe, i just said, hey this is borderline.

didnt matter lol. somebody showed up in my discord talking about how they were “kin critical” which, i didnt recognize in the moment, but in retrospect, lol, gender critical? sounds familiar.

long story short. well no its still long. one of the people who had just gotten into our little shitposters collective, on the strength of my vouching for them, asked me to hang out.

we got coffee, we hit the cemetery, we hung out for a lot longer than i usually do with ppl, n they invited themselves over.

they had told me they didnt feel safe at home, and asked if they could just come hang out with me for a while at my place. i said sure. lol

CW SEX, RAPE

we hung out for a few hours, they put on some anime i still cant see the title card for without crying now lol, and they started touching me.

now. probably tmi here, but, relevant. i dont like sex. its frustrating and confusing and nobody ever really communicates during it and it's just. idk. not for me, most of the time.

but she was touching me, and i didn't stop her. i DID though, tell her, “hey so what ur doing is making me a little uncomfortable” and she said okay, and kept doing it. still pissed at myself for not stopping it but alas, hubris.

she ended up taking my hand, and putting it on her. i stopped several times during this to ask if she was comfy, which should have been me stopping to say im uncomfy lets stop but, alas. when i did tho, ask if she was okay, multiple times, cuz that's how i do, she got frustrated about it, like asking to see if she wanted to keep going was a bad thing lol. im so fucking tired.

next day, she left my discord, blocked me on mastodon, texted me that “i dont really wanna be your girlfriend” out of the blue, and just fucking bailed lol

i told a few friends i still trusted about it. they told me, “you got raped”

i didnt really believe that at the time. like, who me? i'll hit a mother fucker, couldnt be me.

but i sat on it. eventually decided to reach out to her and try to talk about it.

instead of replying, she started posting. she made a couple dozen posts. accusing me of everything from “violating her consent” to full on “lumb raped me”

now, mastodon doesn't have a character limit. so i made one single post, detailing the events as best i remembered them, super long, lotta details. but because it was one post, vs her dozens of posts, and she had about 2k more followers than me at the time, hers got way way more traction. and the timestamp on mine coming after, made me look like i was trying to darvo.

so i left, eventually lol. after all of my friends. the ones i'd confided in. the ones who convinced me that i had been raped. all of them one by one, either just disappeared from my servers n blocked me, or flat out told me “i cant be associated with you, even tho u didnt do anything wrong, being associated with you makes me look bad”

cuz they were getting dogpiled. for interacting with my posts. that group couldn't shut me down, so they went after my friends. and ALL of them who'd been on the “otherkin are problematic” train, hopped on the “see, lumb is a rapist, proof otherkin are bad” line.

two of those people went on to become paid mods of the main mastodon instance, mastodon.social idk if they're still working there but haha, scared to find out.

so i moved back to twitter. i finally secured stable work that almost covered my expenses, and i simply stopped picking fights. went back to shitposting and blocking anyone who made callout posts, or who got called out. vibed for a while. little over a year. it sucked lol

flip side of not getting involved, is not being involved. no community, just me, and like one old friend who had my back through everything.

then the protests started downtown. and i started finding, through journalists mostly, folks who lived local, and purportedly shared most of my values! and a bunch of journalists, who also claimed to share values, but who's coverage of those protests showed clear and plain that their values lied elsewhere. or at the very least, that they were ignorant of the ways in which they perpetuated harm.

i'd done journalism before transitioning, i worked for a local rag in washington covering tech conventions and writing reviews of pieces of tech they'd send me. its not exactly the same as covering a protest against police brutality, but i figured, hey, its journalism, that i can do, and maybe i'll bump into a few of those already on the ground and do my best to guide them out of the bullshit i could see in their coverage.

figured they'd listen to an a journalist who was also an anarchist, easier than they'd listen to a anarchist who never worked in the same field. lol

skipping over most of that fuckfest lol, the point of this is the abuse allegations.

the mastodon thing? i was still scared of that when i shared it with Rosa during the time i was working with Witches PDX.

But I did share it with her. Out of fear of it happening again. Out of wanting SOMEONE to know about it, so that if those people found me again, I wouldn't be completely on my own.

so you can understand my anger though, when someone i'd tried to warn folks about claimed that my sharing their transphobia was abuse, because the transphobia came in response to my asking them out. (fuck you if you ever use the word “pesty” to my face btw, sidenote.) and rosa came out with her own fully fictional account of my having harassed her. im still so furious. i told her that had happened to me, and she participated in making it happen again. im so fucking livid lol. Fuck Rosa. Forever.

so that happened. and. haha. i stuck around for a minute, same as i always do. i try really really fucking hard to not just keep letting fuckwads drive me off cuz i stood up to their bigotry when they refused to back down. n whaddya know, this time something happened.

somebody sort of adjacent to me, and to the person who made the abuse claims, took it on themselves to talk to us both, get to the bottom of what had actually happened, and communicated with both of us the whole way. eventually that led to the person who claimed abuse recanting and apologizing. more than a year later.

which, yay! thats never happened before! but. that was so fucking long. im so tired.

i know this is going to happen again. its a matter of time. there's been no real progress, it's just that this one fuck around got far enough to find out.

but hey something happened! finally! and now i dont really feel super comfy staying here.

before i'd leave when it got hard enough. this time i stuck that out, and now im just. so tired.

and i keep having to look at the faces of people who bailed on me cuz they fell for it this time, who came back around when shit cleared up, but just. among. the people who supported me through this one. a lot of yall are tight with each other and its fucking me up real fucking bad. this shit is so hard and im so tired.

so the way i see it i got two choices. i can stay here, with yall, and eventually im gonna snap on somebody cuz its wearing on me and there's nothing i can do about it.

or i can fuck off.

so im gonna fuck off.

so. gonna go work some shit out elsewhere and see yall when i see yall.

but i wanted to talk about this first. because im so fucking tired. im terrified to express interest in anyone ever for fear of it being used against me later. im terrified to confide in anyone for fear of it being used against me later. yall this is so fucked up lol. im just sitting here terrified to be around people and aching to not be alone lol. fuck you.

dont. do. this. again. the next time u see a trans gal getting called an abuser, go dig into that shit. there's no fucking problem with asking questions. you dont gotta have a take, you dont gotta be the first, you can ask questions and find out what actually happened. you dont have to participate in this happening to someone else. or lol, to me again later

one person changed the course of that one girl losing her support network when i spoke up. one person changed the outcome this time, by paying attention, and digging. i do not wanna hear excuses, i wanna see action the next time. i dont wanna hear doubt either, there WILL be a next time. whether its me or someone else, there WILL BE A NEXT TIME.

n this never used to happen. before coming out i was just as loud and opinionated. if anything, when i called bigotry out before, i did it more poorly, cuz i didnt bother reigning my anger in at all. but nobody ever accused me of being a transphobe or a rapist or an abuser when it was a cis man doing the yelling. they just called me an asshole for not using my inside voice.

yes, there are trans women who do these things. but its been six god damn years since i came out and ive seen it happen to us more than anybody cis. so fuck it. im out.

till i can calm down anyway. lol no telling if or when on that tho. probably be back when i get chased out of wherever i end up tho ngl, one fear lol

so. all this is to say tho, im hurting, im tired, im ready to fucking die, but instead of that im gonna go try to just live for a while n figure out how to start moving on. cuz it isnt happening here and i dont want to hurt anybody along the way.

that said, this community has absolutely kept me alive the last couple years. helped me get off the street and into housing, kept that roof over my head and food in my belly, and im grateful. thank you. i just, yeah, cant hang out here anymore, for now, so, thank you.

hopefully i'll see yall around eventually <3